Let it Go.

 Two Weeks.

Done.

I have officially completed my first two weeks of Lupron.

The first week was ... uncomfortable? 

It was strange, I could feel myself going through a range of emotions, yet I couldn't decide if the emotions where from the Lupron injection itself or from the mere fact I was about to embark on a six month hormone treatment that was plagued by every horror story known to man. 

The first two weeks of Lupron your estrogen levels actually elevate rapidly making your symptoms worse before dropping off completely. My back killed about three days after the shot (my endo is on my upper abdomen wall as well as around where my appendix was.) I was moody and some days I just wanted to be alone. I turned off my phone and stayed away from any type of social media or social anything. 

and I waited. 

I didn't turn into a hairy beast, well I guess I should say I haven't turned into a hairy beast. I have noticed changes, but nothing earth shattering or all around debilitating. My feet swell at night, but probably due to running again. I have some cravings, probably due to beginning to work out again and getting my appetite back after months of different medicines. 

I have gained weight. 

This factor is probably a couple of things. I have begun working out again as well as beginning the Lupron and have been expanding my food varieties. The weight gain came on pretty quickly.

Nothing completely overwhelming, but I am beginning to remember what it is like to have hips again. I would be lying if I said the weight gain didn't freak me out in the beginning. I spent many a mornings arguing with my scale that the number couldn't be right and trying to tell myself it was all just water and would go away, eventually. I just had to stick to my diet and remember to exercise. For a week I battled my scale. I worked out endlessly and I ate everything raw, green, and fresh. What did I find?... I still gained. I don't really know what the moment was that I realized that maybe my body just wasn't meant to be this small. Yes, I liked the way I looked. I loved being a size 2 for the first time in my life, but I realized I got that way because I was sick.

The fact is... I'm not sick anymore. 

Yes, I will always have Endo, but right now I am not plagued by pain. I am tumor free. I am not getting sick. My scars are healed. I have energy. I can eat. I can run. I can dance. I can have a conversation that consist more of just "Oh, the pain isn't to bad today." 

I have suddenly become aware that I have stepped from one chapter of my life into another and in this transition I have realized that somewhere within the last two years I lost the ability to think or talk or be anything other than my sickness. My daily schedule, my routine, my movements, my conversations all where based around things that no longer where necessary. I lived in a world I had created and that world consisted of one thing, endometriosis. 

I am 22, when did I become 52?

It's easy when you become so isolated by something to let it consume you completely. You learn what is familiar and what is familiar to you isn't always familiar to other people. They don't understand, they can't understand and in time they can't take it anymore. They can't take the same story everyday, the same conversations, the same questions. You end up finding it easier to be alone. When you are alone you have time to think, fret, stress, research.

Obsess.

I am more than Endometriosis.

I am an artist.
I am a dancer. 
I am a singer.
I am a cook.
I am a friend.
I am a lover.
I am a daughter.
I am a laugher.

I am not sick. 

No amount of weight loss, exercising, hair cuts, tanning sessions, planning, researching, vitamins, books, blogs, magazines, or "home remedies" is going to magically make me happy. 

I have to make me happy and to be happy I have to accept the fact that this is me and this is how I am made and this is who I am.

I have Endometriosis and this is what I have, but it is not what I am. 

Do I feel "prettier" after losing all the weight? Yes.
Did it make me happy and solve all my problems? Absolutely not. 

Because in the end all I lost was pounds. 

I didn't lose my insecurities or my pain or my confusion, or my fear or my questions or my uncertainty or my anger that I didn't understand what was going on with my body, mentally and physically. 

I gained weight because food was a comfort and I used it to hide the fact I wasn't happy. I made myself believe I could find this happiness at the bottom of a Taco Bell bag at 1:30 in the morning, even if I wasn't hungry. Soon I found myself unhappy with myself and my body and my eating habits. Then I made myself believe happiness could be found in a pair of size 4 jeans and 2 hours in the gym. I set restrictions for myself and I became unhappy for an entirely new set of reasons. This isn't the case with everyone, I know. I have friends who love the gym. I have friends who love living the extreme health and fitness lifestyle. They love the challenge of having the body they want, and that's great. As long as in the end it truely makes you happy.  In the end, spending hours in the gym and eating broccoli everyday was making me anything but happy. Now walking on the treadmill in the mornings for an hour while watching re runs of The Hills and choosing to eat some fruit instead of potato chips did. 

I am finally learning to be happy is much more than a number on a scale or a number on a menu. Being happy is about being content with who you are and where you are. It's about a balance.  Being happy is being healthy enough mentally/physically to be free from all those restrictions and standards you think you have set for yourself. Being happy is to learn to take what life gives you and make the best of a situation no matter how bad it may seem. Thats when you become healthy and you live healthy and in this lifestyle you are happy. This task isn't easy and it takes time. 

I am learning to be happy and I feel incredibly free.

Time to Toughen & Have A Muffin

My Story

Another doctors appointment down, my 8th of the summer. Everything went well at my post op check up. Doctor said everything looks like it is healing wonderfully and that I am cleared to begin my regular daily activity. After months of everything being off limits that news it VERY good. If only the rain would stop so I could actually enjoy doing things. 

I was unfortunately unable to begin treatment due to some delivery misunderstandings of my medicine. So I lucked out and got another week med free. I have been trying to be a model patient and staying off the internet to read about Lupron, but it is proving easier said than done. Some days I truly hate the internet. I am truly terrified of this medicine, but what happens when you are out of options? I am fully expecting to look like a character out of Where  The Wild Things Are by the end of this. But, like Doctor said we won't know until we try it so I am trying to find as many at home/ do it yourself remedies as possible;  yoga, acupuncture, tea,  jogging... yes JOGGING.

As for the "weepy-ness", well that is most likely unavoidable. I am the biggest cry baby on earth right now. Literally EVERYTHING makes me cry.. dog food commercials make me cry. My fiancé has literally had to check what is on television due to the fact that ABC Family has been showing Up like everyday and even just seeing the title now makes me sob like a small child. I mean, if you don't cry at Up you don't have a soul, but when just seeing the title makes you teary perhaps we should be slightly concerned. 

Wedding planning is in full swing as well right now, but I have to admit the reason to order everything monogramed has been what really excites me. I have made a reason for everything to be monogrammed. I am single handedly funding Marley Lilly's entire company right now. 

I think the most honest thing I have heard this week came from my doctor. I love her and she is completely honest with everything she does or sees. She doesn't try to downplay things because she worries you will panic, because sometimes fear gives us the courage to do the things we know we have to and when faced with an option we may not want, but need, fear can push us to do what we know can help us. 

I fear about my endometriosis becoming worse, I fear about it spreading, I fear about my chances of getting Ovarian & Endometriosis Cancer going up if I leave it untreated. I fear losing the ability to one day have a child. 

So as my doctor said so beautifully; "I can't tell you what will happen. I can't tell you that you won't feel bad, or that you might gain weight or be sad sometimes, or get sick. I won't tell you those things won't happen, because I don't know. What I do know is that this is something that is designed to help you. Sometimes we just have to toughen up and get through it."

So, time to toughen up. 

I think what has truly been helping me so much is the interaction and messages I have been receiving from people. I love connecting with people from high school or just hearing from friends new and old. I had forgotten how much contact I actually lost during the last year and half with people and I have loved being able to get in touch with people and visit once again. 

Come see me and I'll make you muffins! 

Chocolate Banana Muffins

I got inspired tonight at about 10:30pm while looking through my fridge and noticing the bananas I just bought already starting to brown. Not wanting to waste the money I decided to make some quick banana muffins. Now for those who have been following my blog you know I have had to convert to being a health nut due to my endo. It has had it's benefits, but sometimes a girl just needs her chocolate. I had found earlier a recipe for low calorie chocolate muffins and decided to just add in my bananas to help add some flavor.  

Ingredients:

1 3/4 c Oats

3 egg whites

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1/2 cup plain Greek Yogurt (Or low fat plain yogurt) 

1 - 1/2 Vinegar

1 - 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder
1/2 tsp. Baking Soda

1 cup water

1 cup Truvia (or real sugar if thats how you roll) 

1/2 cup semi sweet chocolate chips ( or white chocolate)

3 Ripe Bananas Cut up  ( I added this to the original recipe) 

Info:

Servings :12

58  Calories per muffin (This was without the bananas, I added those to the original recipe) 

Directions

Put on some awesome music, I like Ray Charles or Aretha Franklin for baking

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line muffin pan with foil cupcake liners and then spray with non stick spray

In a blender mix all of  the ingredients together until all the ingredients are smooth and oats are ground  (DON'T ADD YOUR CHOCOLATE CHIPS TO THE BLENDER!!)

Pour your muffin mix into the individual cup cake liners.

Place your muffins in the oven for 10 min

After 10 min take your muffins out (don't turn it off)  and sprinkle some (or a lot, I don't judge) of your chips on each of the muffin tops.

(Side Note:  I decided to add a couple different toppings. I crushed almonds on some and added cinnamon on some for breakfast banana muffins) 

Place your muffins back in the oven for about 2 - 5 min  (start at 2 and work your way up to five if needed)

Check with toothpick (it should come out clean)

Let your muffins cool and then drown yourself in their awesomeness. 

Original recipe from: http://kissthewhisk.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/triple-chocolate-chunk-muffin/

To end this post tonight I would like to ask for prayers/good thoughts/vibes for a very inspirational woman and a wonderful friend who has fought endo along with me and helped me in times I needed a friend who knew the pain. Her endo has returned after multiple surgeries and treatments. She is such a wonderful person and I am so proud she is my endo sister. Though it will be tough I know the she can fight this battle once again.