Let it Go.

 Two Weeks.

Done.

I have officially completed my first two weeks of Lupron.

The first week was ... uncomfortable? 

It was strange, I could feel myself going through a range of emotions, yet I couldn't decide if the emotions where from the Lupron injection itself or from the mere fact I was about to embark on a six month hormone treatment that was plagued by every horror story known to man. 

The first two weeks of Lupron your estrogen levels actually elevate rapidly making your symptoms worse before dropping off completely. My back killed about three days after the shot (my endo is on my upper abdomen wall as well as around where my appendix was.) I was moody and some days I just wanted to be alone. I turned off my phone and stayed away from any type of social media or social anything. 

and I waited. 

I didn't turn into a hairy beast, well I guess I should say I haven't turned into a hairy beast. I have noticed changes, but nothing earth shattering or all around debilitating. My feet swell at night, but probably due to running again. I have some cravings, probably due to beginning to work out again and getting my appetite back after months of different medicines. 

I have gained weight. 

This factor is probably a couple of things. I have begun working out again as well as beginning the Lupron and have been expanding my food varieties. The weight gain came on pretty quickly.

Nothing completely overwhelming, but I am beginning to remember what it is like to have hips again. I would be lying if I said the weight gain didn't freak me out in the beginning. I spent many a mornings arguing with my scale that the number couldn't be right and trying to tell myself it was all just water and would go away, eventually. I just had to stick to my diet and remember to exercise. For a week I battled my scale. I worked out endlessly and I ate everything raw, green, and fresh. What did I find?... I still gained. I don't really know what the moment was that I realized that maybe my body just wasn't meant to be this small. Yes, I liked the way I looked. I loved being a size 2 for the first time in my life, but I realized I got that way because I was sick.

The fact is... I'm not sick anymore. 

Yes, I will always have Endo, but right now I am not plagued by pain. I am tumor free. I am not getting sick. My scars are healed. I have energy. I can eat. I can run. I can dance. I can have a conversation that consist more of just "Oh, the pain isn't to bad today." 

I have suddenly become aware that I have stepped from one chapter of my life into another and in this transition I have realized that somewhere within the last two years I lost the ability to think or talk or be anything other than my sickness. My daily schedule, my routine, my movements, my conversations all where based around things that no longer where necessary. I lived in a world I had created and that world consisted of one thing, endometriosis. 

I am 22, when did I become 52?

It's easy when you become so isolated by something to let it consume you completely. You learn what is familiar and what is familiar to you isn't always familiar to other people. They don't understand, they can't understand and in time they can't take it anymore. They can't take the same story everyday, the same conversations, the same questions. You end up finding it easier to be alone. When you are alone you have time to think, fret, stress, research.

Obsess.

I am more than Endometriosis.

I am an artist.
I am a dancer. 
I am a singer.
I am a cook.
I am a friend.
I am a lover.
I am a daughter.
I am a laugher.

I am not sick. 

No amount of weight loss, exercising, hair cuts, tanning sessions, planning, researching, vitamins, books, blogs, magazines, or "home remedies" is going to magically make me happy. 

I have to make me happy and to be happy I have to accept the fact that this is me and this is how I am made and this is who I am.

I have Endometriosis and this is what I have, but it is not what I am. 

Do I feel "prettier" after losing all the weight? Yes.
Did it make me happy and solve all my problems? Absolutely not. 

Because in the end all I lost was pounds. 

I didn't lose my insecurities or my pain or my confusion, or my fear or my questions or my uncertainty or my anger that I didn't understand what was going on with my body, mentally and physically. 

I gained weight because food was a comfort and I used it to hide the fact I wasn't happy. I made myself believe I could find this happiness at the bottom of a Taco Bell bag at 1:30 in the morning, even if I wasn't hungry. Soon I found myself unhappy with myself and my body and my eating habits. Then I made myself believe happiness could be found in a pair of size 4 jeans and 2 hours in the gym. I set restrictions for myself and I became unhappy for an entirely new set of reasons. This isn't the case with everyone, I know. I have friends who love the gym. I have friends who love living the extreme health and fitness lifestyle. They love the challenge of having the body they want, and that's great. As long as in the end it truely makes you happy.  In the end, spending hours in the gym and eating broccoli everyday was making me anything but happy. Now walking on the treadmill in the mornings for an hour while watching re runs of The Hills and choosing to eat some fruit instead of potato chips did. 

I am finally learning to be happy is much more than a number on a scale or a number on a menu. Being happy is about being content with who you are and where you are. It's about a balance.  Being happy is being healthy enough mentally/physically to be free from all those restrictions and standards you think you have set for yourself. Being happy is to learn to take what life gives you and make the best of a situation no matter how bad it may seem. Thats when you become healthy and you live healthy and in this lifestyle you are happy. This task isn't easy and it takes time. 

I am learning to be happy and I feel incredibly free.

Time to Toughen & Have A Muffin

My Story

Another doctors appointment down, my 8th of the summer. Everything went well at my post op check up. Doctor said everything looks like it is healing wonderfully and that I am cleared to begin my regular daily activity. After months of everything being off limits that news it VERY good. If only the rain would stop so I could actually enjoy doing things. 

I was unfortunately unable to begin treatment due to some delivery misunderstandings of my medicine. So I lucked out and got another week med free. I have been trying to be a model patient and staying off the internet to read about Lupron, but it is proving easier said than done. Some days I truly hate the internet. I am truly terrified of this medicine, but what happens when you are out of options? I am fully expecting to look like a character out of Where  The Wild Things Are by the end of this. But, like Doctor said we won't know until we try it so I am trying to find as many at home/ do it yourself remedies as possible;  yoga, acupuncture, tea,  jogging... yes JOGGING.

As for the "weepy-ness", well that is most likely unavoidable. I am the biggest cry baby on earth right now. Literally EVERYTHING makes me cry.. dog food commercials make me cry. My fiancé has literally had to check what is on television due to the fact that ABC Family has been showing Up like everyday and even just seeing the title now makes me sob like a small child. I mean, if you don't cry at Up you don't have a soul, but when just seeing the title makes you teary perhaps we should be slightly concerned. 

Wedding planning is in full swing as well right now, but I have to admit the reason to order everything monogramed has been what really excites me. I have made a reason for everything to be monogrammed. I am single handedly funding Marley Lilly's entire company right now. 

I think the most honest thing I have heard this week came from my doctor. I love her and she is completely honest with everything she does or sees. She doesn't try to downplay things because she worries you will panic, because sometimes fear gives us the courage to do the things we know we have to and when faced with an option we may not want, but need, fear can push us to do what we know can help us. 

I fear about my endometriosis becoming worse, I fear about it spreading, I fear about my chances of getting Ovarian & Endometriosis Cancer going up if I leave it untreated. I fear losing the ability to one day have a child. 

So as my doctor said so beautifully; "I can't tell you what will happen. I can't tell you that you won't feel bad, or that you might gain weight or be sad sometimes, or get sick. I won't tell you those things won't happen, because I don't know. What I do know is that this is something that is designed to help you. Sometimes we just have to toughen up and get through it."

So, time to toughen up. 

I think what has truly been helping me so much is the interaction and messages I have been receiving from people. I love connecting with people from high school or just hearing from friends new and old. I had forgotten how much contact I actually lost during the last year and half with people and I have loved being able to get in touch with people and visit once again. 

Come see me and I'll make you muffins! 

Chocolate Banana Muffins

I got inspired tonight at about 10:30pm while looking through my fridge and noticing the bananas I just bought already starting to brown. Not wanting to waste the money I decided to make some quick banana muffins. Now for those who have been following my blog you know I have had to convert to being a health nut due to my endo. It has had it's benefits, but sometimes a girl just needs her chocolate. I had found earlier a recipe for low calorie chocolate muffins and decided to just add in my bananas to help add some flavor.  

Ingredients:

1 3/4 c Oats

3 egg whites

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1/2 cup plain Greek Yogurt (Or low fat plain yogurt) 

1 - 1/2 Vinegar

1 - 1/2 tsp. Baking Powder
1/2 tsp. Baking Soda

1 cup water

1 cup Truvia (or real sugar if thats how you roll) 

1/2 cup semi sweet chocolate chips ( or white chocolate)

3 Ripe Bananas Cut up  ( I added this to the original recipe) 

Info:

Servings :12

58  Calories per muffin (This was without the bananas, I added those to the original recipe) 

Directions

Put on some awesome music, I like Ray Charles or Aretha Franklin for baking

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line muffin pan with foil cupcake liners and then spray with non stick spray

In a blender mix all of  the ingredients together until all the ingredients are smooth and oats are ground  (DON'T ADD YOUR CHOCOLATE CHIPS TO THE BLENDER!!)

Pour your muffin mix into the individual cup cake liners.

Place your muffins in the oven for 10 min

After 10 min take your muffins out (don't turn it off)  and sprinkle some (or a lot, I don't judge) of your chips on each of the muffin tops.

(Side Note:  I decided to add a couple different toppings. I crushed almonds on some and added cinnamon on some for breakfast banana muffins) 

Place your muffins back in the oven for about 2 - 5 min  (start at 2 and work your way up to five if needed)

Check with toothpick (it should come out clean)

Let your muffins cool and then drown yourself in their awesomeness. 

Original recipe from: http://kissthewhisk.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/triple-chocolate-chunk-muffin/

To end this post tonight I would like to ask for prayers/good thoughts/vibes for a very inspirational woman and a wonderful friend who has fought endo along with me and helped me in times I needed a friend who knew the pain. Her endo has returned after multiple surgeries and treatments. She is such a wonderful person and I am so proud she is my endo sister. Though it will be tough I know the she can fight this battle once again. 

So Here's The Skinny: My Fight with Endometriosis

A lot of people have been asking me what diet I followed after losing weight this year. A couple of things are important to know before I let you know what I did. I am not going to lie to you about different methods that effects my results. My "diet" was based on a lot of different factors relating to my body and my activity level. You can skip down to My Diet section, but it would mean a lot to me to read my story before. To understand my diet, you need to understand my story. 

My Story

My Endo story begins on Feb 23, 2012. In the middle of my spanish class one morning I reached down to get my book out of my bag and felt a searing pain run across my stomach and up into my abdomen. The pain burned and felt like someone was stabbing me. I found it hard to take a breath and I began to sweat immensely. I ran to the restroom and soon became dizzy. I left the bathroom and somehow made my way across campus to my dorm room where I stripped off all my clothes that where covered in sweat. I lived in an apartment style dorm where I had a personal bathroom so I laid in the floor of the bathroom and prayed the pain would pass, though it did not. My roommate finally told me she was taking me to the hospital. It looked as though I had just stepped out of the shower and I was white as a ghost. When we arrived at the hospital I was told to sit and wait so I could have a blood test. When they took me back for the blood test the nurse asked me my age I replied that I was 20. Thats when her attitude suddenly seemed to change. She asked me repeatedly if I could be pregnant. I kept replying no, but she glanced down at my belly (which was bloated from recent wait gain) and asked again. I was mortified. She even made me take a pregnancy test. After the test showed I wasn't pregnant I was sent out to the waiting room for 6 hours with a plastic bucket in case I got sick. When it was finally my turn to see the doctor they sent me for a CT scan. Nothing. They saw nothing. I was shocked. 

"Look again, please."

"Ms. Burdick there is nothing there, there is nothing wrong with you."

"Look again."

"Go home."

For six months I watched as I lost my body. I gained weight like crazy. I began having acne all over my face that where the size of half dollars. Every month I would have these painful spasms that left me on the floor of the bathroom for hours. I would miss days of classes do to not being able to get out of bed. I lost touch with everyone. I never left my room and I never left my bed. 

In December my doctor told me that she thought I could be suffering from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome cause by being overweight. I was told to lose weight or keep suffering. I was put on a medicine known as Metformin. This medicine would enabled my body the ability to break down foods like normal. This medicine would help my body in the ability to lose weight. Along with the medicine I had to change my eating habits dramatically. After 4 months I had lost about 10 pounds on the medicine. Along with the weight loss though I began experiencing increasingly horrible pains in my stomach and back and constant violent nausea from everything I ate. 

I couldn't take it anymore and I sought a specialist. After an ultrasound, blood test, 4 MRI's, and a physical test showed my body had a large 6cm mass in my pelvis that needed to be removed before it twisted and caused my blood supply to be cut off to my organs. On June 14th at 7:00 am I went in for a laproscopic surgery to identify and remove the mass. When I woke up, everything changed.

I was diagnosed with severe Endometriosis. 

(Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus. It causes large masses to form in the body as well as the ability to adhere organs to one another. This condition causes extreme pain only aided with multiple surgeries. It also is known as the "Working Woman" disease due to the fact it most commonly causes infertility.)

It has no cure.

My endo was so severe it had reached my appendix causing it to become infected and inflamed. The doctors told me it had open sores and adhesions covering the entire thing, so they performed an emergency appendectomy. The endo was covering my pelvis walls and bowls and I would need begin treatment soon. I have yet to begin my treatment, but I rejoice in the reality I finally have an answer. It was devastating that I had this disease, but I had a new power that changed my attitute towards my suffering. This was the cause of my pain and violent sickness. This was the reason it hurt to work out, walk, laugh, drive. This was the reason I became a shadow of my high school self. I wasn't crazy. There WAS something there. All of the things I suffered from came to light along with the realization that I could fight this. My doctors explained this would be a difficult fight. Treatment comes in the form of a drug called Lupron. Lupron will cause my body to go into medical menopause for 6 months so I stop producing the estrogen that feeds my endometriosis. The internet informed me I will suffer insufferable hot flashes, severe mood swings, dark depression, neurological problems, dramatic weight gain, bone density loss and the loss of all will to have human contact. Others say with the help of Add Back Therapy I'll probably sweat a little more at night, and maybe have the occasional  "grumpy day"

I guess we will have to find out.

God has given me the gift of leaving all of my reproduction organs (ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes) untouched by the endometriosis. This gives me the gift of still being able to have children one day. A gift most women with Endometriosis do not receive. My doctors where even baffled at the pattern of my endo. 

So. I say, bring it. 

Endometriosis took my life and my body, and now I want it back. 

My Diet

Summer of Sophomore Year in College I weighed 165 pounds at 5'7. I was textbook "obese" as my doctor informed me. 

Somehow without even realizing it I became "heavy", "chubby", "curvy", or what others informed me as "fat". The truth was I was tired of trying to walk to class and being out of breathe and sweaty by the time I got there. I was tired of having to "adjust" every time I sat on my boyfriends lap because I was to heavy. The extreme pains and depressions I was feeling doctors believed was due to my body. It was time for a change. This change would not come naturally because of my medical condition. To much estrogen in the system causes it to be nearly impossible to lose weight by just exercising. I tried for years and years only ever losing about 5 pounds and then gaining back 10 lbs a month later. It was horrible cycle that caused me to gain about 30 pounds since I had graduated high school. I was physically tired, emotionally drained, and I felt embarrassed. I had lost the person I was, as if this new person had eaten her. I was active in high school, playing sports and attending school functions. I had a close group of friends and dated an amazing guy from the football team. I was happy and vibrant and pain free. Now I couldn't fit into any of my clothes. I was bloated all the time. I was in pain all the time. I was tired and food was my comfort. I ate CONSTANTLY. Since it hurt to much to go work out losing weight wasn't an option along with my 3 one dollar tacos from Taco Bell. Junior year I hit my peak at 167 pounds.  I has also begun to get cystic acne nodules that covered my face leaving open sores on my cheeks and chin. My parents sent me to the doctor for answers.

Around this time I was put on the Metformin I mentioned earlier. This medicine did SQUAT. I maybe lost 10 pounds on it, but the truth was with being nauseas all the time after I ate (due to my appendix being infected) I don't really feel I can give it credit for doing anything. SO I decided to take matters into my own hands. I asked my doctor about creating a nutrition plan that would help me lose weight as well has help my pains I was having. I didn't want to follow a pre existing diet because I had tried before and always failed. She told me to start making my grocery list based off the "approved" foods listed on http://www.diabetes.org/

or the diabetes association. It would have foods that would avoid carbs, sugar, and sodium. It would replace carbs with protein. List: Chicken, eggs, veggies, fruit, fish, fish, fish, more veggies. 

It sucked.

In the beginning (first 3 months) I spent a lot of time cranky from not being able to eat what everyone else did. I was hungry. I was mad. I was tired. I wanted a cheeseburger. I cheated. I wanted to give up, and I did, a couple times. I knew that I had to lose weight. I knew I needed to do this for me. So I started again. This time I didn't give up. I set my calories at 1200 for the day and I tracked it down to the calorie until I learned portion sizes and my body would become full at that portion. This took months. It was annoying, but I would over eat unless I knew. 

I also worked out for an hour. I would run and do weights. The first couple of months it sucked, but it soon became easier. I had to learn to do the exercises correct with correct form to really benefit. By the end of school I lost about 25 pounds. 

When I got home the pain became so great I could no longer work out, so I adjusted my eating and continued on. 

My doctor informed my that though expensive organic foods would benefit me the most. I switched things like cheese and milk for their organic alternatives due to the hormones that regular had. 

I cooked everything I ate. I even packed lunches if I was going places. I got cookbooks, I would Pinterest recipes (be careful with this, really study the ingredients). I would also make my own stuff. 

I eliminated salt & sugar as much as possible. I would not add any nor would I buy products that had it in it, "sodium free" or "Sugar free". Instead I would use things like Truvia. I LOVE Truvia. 

I would fix my plate, then go sit and eat. If I already had my portions set on my plate. I would feel more full than sitting on the couch with the whole box or bag. 

I had cheat days every Saturday (2 months),  then every other Saturday( 2 months), then finally every first Saturday of the month. It made it easier not to quite. It also gave me something to look forward to.

I made sure I had support from family and friends, but I had to learn to be able to sit next to them while they ate pizza and I had fish and veggies. This is when the real work comes in. 

I had NO fast food. (Not even Chickfila) 

Mrs. Dash seasoning (Salt Free)  is a life saver. 

I only did chicken, turkey and fish. On sandwiches or by themselves. 

Healthy food is expensive. I was blessed to be able to buy the foods I needed to eat well. This was a huge part. It will be expensive.

Beware of white bread. Whole grain, flatbread, pita are your friend. 

Mayo - bad, Ketchup and Mustard - Good. 

NO SODAS OR SWEET TEA... ICE drinks are carbonated mineral water. If you are having a hard time without carbonated drinks. They are delicious (strawberry lemonade is my favorite). 

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things:

I learned to love my healthy food and I learned to live without the junk food. I still have days I crave things, but I have can have treats that don't compromise my progress like Adonia Greek Frozen Yogurt, or sugar free chocolate pudding. The truth is.. it's hard, it's expensive, it's not fun, you will sometimes be hungry, but in the end it is more worth it than anything you even ate. 

My best advice would be to make your own "diet" follow the foods listed on the Diabetes Association website and set your calories to your activity level. Don't starve yourself, but changing your portion sizes will leave you hungry in the beginning. 

Don't become obsessive, calorie counting can take over your life. Let it go. 

Cheat sometimes. 

Do the research and ask your doctor. Foods you think are okay can sometimes be not the best for your body. (Due to my endo I have to be careful with milk and dairy and red meat due to hormones) 

For women reading this who have Endometriosis. I know the feeling of being in to much pain to work out or even be physical. You CAN do this just by eating better. I didn't have to spend hours at the gym to lose the weight. 

Do this for you.